"How are you?": The Infamous Formality

Honest conversation can be cathartic and healing but insincerely received questions can be the biggest communication blockers.

I never fully realized this till college but “how are you?” has become such a common question that, whether or not the person asking it meant it genuinely, it is often received insincerely. Hence, the standard "I'm fine" response.

We need to do a better job of checking in on our teammates, friends, families, and the people around us, especially at a time when conversations online play such an important role in keeping us connected. To do this, it's important to ask questions beyond “how are you” to elicit a genuine response from the people you care about.

Don’t get me wrong, "How are you" is a great succinct question, but truthfully it’s too much to unpack and not everyone is comfortable doing that right away. Especially people outside your immediate circle! So, understandably, I have also been guilty of the “I’m fine/okay/good” response.

If our Pavlovian brain has become hardwired into salivating a "fine" in response to the doorbell "how are you", there is a desperate need to change the stimulus question to break the mindless cycle.

Honest conversation can be cathartic and healing but insincerely received questions can be the biggest communication blockers. Try asking someone how they've been sleeping lately or what their favorite part of the day was and I think you’ll immediately notice a deeper engagement and more insightful conversation!

Here are a few questions you can ask instead of "How are you?":

Check-in on each other, take care of each other and listen to each other :)

Aashna Sundesha